34 Weeks + 3-4 Days
37-38 days until due date
It's been a rough couple of days. I can't sugar coat it. On Sunday I was just really frustrated and emotional (and HOT), and yesterday I had some sad news from a best friend that really broke my heart. Much as I have been trying to dress my complaints up in humor, at the end of the day they are complaints, plain and simple. I feel terrible about my attitude lately, which just compounds the guilt I already feel about not being thankful and excited and, god forbid, glowing.
What it comes down to for me is this: pregnancy is, hands down, the most challenging thing I have ever been through. I don't know if it's like this for everyone, but for me, it has been extremely challenging. Every day feels like an obstacle that I just need to get through. Pregnancy has challenged my self confidence, my self worth, my emotional health, my physical health, and my marriage. I don't feel like I know myself anymore. I don't know what I have to offer to my family and loved ones anymore.
Everyone says that parenthood changes you and that your life will never be the same after you have a baby. We have all heard the "sleep while you can!" and the "welcome to parenthood!" platitudes. But what they don't tell you is that pregnancy changes you right from the start. You put aside your comfort, your health, and your preferences for the good of a (seemingly theoretic) baby who you haven't been able to meet yet. I thought that I would be able to run and have date nights and enjoy my last few months of non-parenthood. But right from the start, the positive pregnancy test changed every single decision and calculation I made about how to live my daily life. And that is really hard. Anyone that tells you it isn't, is lying.
Losing a baby means that I am still unsure that this will all be worth it. I still have vivid flashbacks to that horrible night in the ER. I am terrified of going into labor, because the only association I have with labor is the feeling the worst grief and anguish of my whole life. I'm not quite sure how you turn that into excitement.
And yet, somehow, I am still willing to do this. Call it the biological imperative, or call it insanity. I don't know. But I know that even at my lowest, the thought of something happening to my baby cripples me with fear and anxiety. So I take the steroid shots. I get the weekly cervical checks. I insert the synthetic hormones, And I lay on the couch watching myself deteriorate. I am not doing it with a smile on my face, but I'm doing it.
This is my long winded way of saying that I'm having a hard time. These past few days have been brutal, not only for me, but for a lot of people I love. But, even though I'm having a hard time (and complaining about it to the internet), I'm thankful that I and the baby are healthy so far. I still don't believe that we'll have a happy ending, but I'm counting down the days and weeks to getting this guy safely into the world. I appreciate all the support and love I have received from my circle of family and friends, and I am thankful for each day that this pregnancy remains healthy.
So, thank you circle, for listening to me complain. I know it's not fun to be one of my counted-upons right now, but I hope that one day I can pay you back. And I hope that one day I return to my old self, or at least an improved version of old me. With a cute baby. I hope he's cute.
Woof. That got heavy. Here's a dog palate cleanser.
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| George Michael and my eyebrows. Did I mention that I had to cancel my wax? Thanks bed rest. |
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| He's really happy Auntie brought him a new pillow. |
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