As long as I live you will be loved

"As long as I live you will live. As long as I live you will be loved."

My husband has this tattooed on his left forearm. It's a tough thing because often people ask him what it says, and what it means. It's a bit heavy to say that they are a memorial to a child that we lost, and yet we feel that it's important to talk about her. We lost our Claire one year ago Saturday, on what has proven to be the saddest day of our (very blessed) lives.

It's hard to put into words the mixture of emotions I feel looking at my son, whom I adore and love more than anything on this earth, but who makes me wonder what she would have been like. I wonder if she would have looked like him. I wonder if she would have the same hilarious expressions as our sweet boy. And I wonder if we would have been able to ever meet Harrison, if we had met Claire first. Part of me feels guilty for loving him so much that I sometimes forget about all the pain of our first pregnancy. Does loving him make my grief for her any lesser? I can never believe that it happened for a reason, or that it was part of the master plan. I think it's a really shitty thing that happened, which broke our hearts, plunged me back into depression, and brings me to tears when I think about it even today.

We didn't get to meet our girl and learn about her personality. We didn't get to perfect our swaddling skills with her, or learn how to rock her to sleep. I didn't get to obsessively check her breathing or jump at her every whimper. Instead, in one horrible night, we met her as we lost her, and in those short hours, she changed me forever.

Ultimately losing Claire made me a more compassionate person. I experienced a new kind of heartbreak, one that many women endure in silence and without support. In one night, I came to understand the complex guilt and fear that accompanies losing a child in your care. I joined a community of many, many women who have lost children, some of my best friends included.

Claire put life in perspective for me. So I have 20 extra pounds and a few extra chins. My house is a mess and my husband leaves socks everywhere. Am I alive? Is my son safe and happy? Is my husband happy? If so, who cares? I'll be able to run again one day. Who cares if my life isn't instagram  perfect.

Losing Claire brought Harrison and I closer together. At our lowest, we clung to each other. We are the only ones that know the pain of losing our beautiful girl. In her loss, I realized how lucky I am to have him by my side, holding me up when I can't stand myself. He is truly the strongest man I've ever met.

Losing Claire means that I'll never take Harry for granted. The fierce, protective, and overwhelming love I feel for him is paired with paralyzing fear that I won't be able to protect him from harm. My body couldn't protect Claire, and my body couldn't carry Harrison to full term, so how can I be trusted with this precious child? Despite all of my anxiety, I try to savor everyday with him, memorizing his sweet features and the feel of his little form pressed against my stomach as I feed him. I know that I'm lucky to spend every day with him.

One day we will tell Little Harry about his older sister, and how special he is to us, thanks to her. She gave us so much in 16 short weeks. She made sure that we would make the most of our time as a family. So in that way, as we live out the lessons she taught us, she lives along with us. As long as we live, she will live. And as long as we live, she will be loved. So much.

He's Arrived: Updates Forthcoming

See that title on the last blog post? Apparently I should be careful what I ask for. Harrison Ryan II was born on Friday, August 8 at 10:00 AM at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital in Palo Alto. We made it to 36 weeks, one day, and he weighed in at 6.6 pounds and measured 20 inches long. Not bad for a preemie. I'll type up my birth experience later, as well as the incredibly trying week after, but I'm working on almost zero sleep here, and my spotty recollection will have to wait.

However, I will keep updating here on the life and times of Baby Harry, 2nd of his name. In the mean time, enjoy a few cute baby pics.

Hot and Fresh out the Kitchen

I'm pooping on your lap.

I know I'm adorable.

Week 36: I was told there would be a baby

I got dressed!

Time for my Week 36 update. I didn't think we'd get here, to be honest. But I'm beginning to think that this is going to be a September baby after all. Leo or Virgo, Leo or Virgo - we'll know soon! I know Harrison is rooting for a Leo (anything before August 23) both for his mental health and to preserve the sanctity of his own birthday, which is just 5 days after our due date. As wife to the world's most talented gift giver, I could use a little separation of birthdays myself, so I'll also root for a Leo

I'm sick of these stupid pinterest pregnancy questionnaire  topics, so I'm making up my own this week.

36 Weeks Pregnant, 28 days Until Due Date

Baby Size Comparison: Large cantaloupe says pregnancy app. Small baby sized, I say. Or. roughly the length of George Michael, but the weight of a svelte Yorkie.

Spirit Animal of the Week: Slow Loris.

Pregnancy Moment of the Week (of which I'll later be ashamed): I went to Kara's Cupcakes after my doctor's appointment and bought six cupcakes. I ate half of two different flavors, felt guilty, and brought the rest in to work today. I left them anonymously in the break room. If I may say, they were a little disappointing - too sugary. If they had been more delicious, I would be writing to say that I ate 6 cupcakes in one day. I made up for the disappointment with some ice cream.

New thing I can't do: I officially can't pick up dropped items from the floor. I dropped my badge on the way to the elevator yesterday and almost fell over in the middle of the office lobby trying to retrieve it. I finally got low enough by squashing my progeny's head while heaving my massive body to the floor, tripod style, to get it.

Body Troll of the Week (pregnant or labor?): My body is, ahem, clearing itself out. This is new, considering the almost 9 months of constipation that preceded it. Doctor says it could be a result of contractions, or it could be baby moving and unblocking my rectum. Seriously. How lovely is that?

Thing I should remember to be thankful for once I'm not pregnant: Absence of back of knee fat, and the eventual re-separation of my thighs.

Chalupa Debt of the Week: Now that we've officially announced it, I can complain publicly. The BoxWorks after party band is Jimmy Eat World, band behind of one of my all time favorite running songs. Box Works was scheduled right on top of my due date. It is our biggest event of the year, and on top of the fact that I should be doing a victory lap there about my new program this year,  barring a miracle, I'll be missing a free concert and party. I hope you're cute, baby.

Husband Quote of the Week: "You look like an egg in a tuxedo." - Harrison regarding my black maternity shorts and stained white t shirt.

Doctor Quote of the Week: "And there are his balls." I love my doctor.

Doctor's Update Week 36

We had our weekly check in today, and things are still slowly progressing. I'm now dilated to 4 cm and about 75% effaced (thinned out).  My belly is measuring ahead now, a whopping 37 cm (though this could have had to do with the appointment being right after lunch). Baby is at -2 station, meaning that he has descended into my pelvis, but isn't quite engaged yet. That effacement stat surprised me a bit, since I assumed I was pretty much totally effaced, given the cervical measurement scare. But, I guess the Ultrasound measurement is looking at the opening, and not the edges of the cervix. Since I'd like to share my night terrors with you, take a look at this awesome dilation chart! You'l never think of a Ritz Cracker the same way. You're welcome!

I asked Dr. Parman if at some point my body would kick into labor if I kept dilating. She said that it's not always the case that women go into active or noticeable labor until the very end, or the pushing phase. However, if I were to go in for our weekly check and be dilated to a 6 or 7, we would probably talk about how to proceed to avoid a surprise home delivery, since chances are that when I go, I will go very quickly. That might necessitate an induction of some sort, but I would want to keep our methods on the natural side. So, we'll see what happens. More waiting!

I was a little bummed because I thought that I was going to be able to stop using the progesterone tomorrow, but it turns out that if we go by the book, I should be using it for one more week. So unfortunately I don't get to be synthetic hormone free just yet.

We also had a quick ultrasound today to triple check that baby is head down. With my waters bulging, Dr. Parman didn't want to push too hard to make sure it was head she was feeling, and risk breaking the bag. So, we got another glimpse of our not so tiny guy. He was practicing breathing again, and if I may say, his head looks HUGE. Terrifying. As she was measuring my water, we got a bonus shot of, wait for it, a giant pair of testicles. Clear as day. More terrifying. Apparently they are quite large when born, because of swelling from the water. As someone who never imagined having a son, this was a little alarming. But, just as I've gotten accustomed to pelvic exams, I'm sure I'll get used to this as well.

So, that's about it. Still pregnant after all this drama. One week until "term." We're ready!

Working Girl

I decided that I'm going to keep the blog going, since it seems to be a good way to keep everyone in the loop on what's happening with baby Hernandez. I also like writing, and even though I feel a little narcissistic talking about myself so much, my therapist says it's good to write, and she is a smart lady who deals with crazy pregnant and postpartum women for a living, so I trust her.

We'll ignore the "too busy to sit
down and cry" part! Love this!

The added benefit is that I have heard from family and friends near and far whom I didn't even realize were reading the blog, and it's pretty great to feel like I'm sharing baby news with the very broad extended family Harrison and I share. I received a really sweet card from Harrison's Grandma and a hilarious email or two from women in the family regarding their birth/pregnancy experiences, and I love feeling like part of a village. Thanks guys! I retroactively apologize for my often inappropriate commentary. Its probably not going to stop.

Now that I'm back at work, I obviously haven't been posting as much, but I suspect that will change when I go on maternity leave, and I also suspect that the dog pictures will turn into baby pictures. Speaking of which, a friend sent me this yesterday, and I had been resisting swaddling my dog for "practice," but I think I've just changed my mind. I'll update with photos if/when this happens, of course.

Work has been good, and busy. The timing of this child actually couldn't be worse, as we are finally gaining a lot of traction for my program, including hiring my first team member. Just when we're starting to move quickly, I'm going to disappear for 14-16 weeks. It's a little frustrating, and I could go on for days about how the "Lean In" philosophy is fundamentally flawed, but I'll save that full rant for another time. I can't lean in Sheryl, not when I have at least one doctor's appointment per week, and my priority is and should be my health and the health of my child. Whatever.

A million years ago, when Harrison and I first met as young whippersnappers at Deloitte and I hadn't yet lost all of my ambition and enthusiasm, I told him that I had always wanted a SAHH (stay at home husband), and he was STOKED. But then I figured out that I dislike office politics and desk jobbing. Harrison hasn't forgotten, though. And little did I know, I married a "Kind Papa." If you're missing that reference, just know that Alicia Silverstone (Cher Horowitz herself), mother to "Bear", wrote a book about parenting. She is anti vaccination, pre-chews and bird-feeds her son's food, and believes in "Elimination Communication." This means that she doesn't diaper her child. She watches for signs of needing to eliminate, and holds him over a toilet. Seriously.  Here's a nice summary. I'm sure her nannies don't whip a diaper on that butt the minute she's out of sight.

So last night, I'm sitting in the living room and I get an email from Kind Papa, who is sitting 20 feet away in the other room. He linked me to http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/. I opened the site on my tablet and screamed "this is horrifying" at him. He walked in confused - "what are you talking about?" I started talking about "EC" and how ridiculous it is, with some colorful language about baby pee and poop everywhere. I thought he had sent it to me as a joke. Turns out - no - he thinks we should try it. Maybe on your paternity leave, buddy. Then I said, "Oh, are you going to pre-chew Chalupa's food for him too?" and without missing a beat, his response was "Of course I am. Just for fun." So... turns out we've got a committed father on our hands. Don't worry though, he still has a brain and isn't anti-vax. Maybe I did find my ultimate SAHH. He just needs to work on those cleaning skills now. And we would have to live in an even moderately affordable area.

One of us will miss the bump. And check out the right
side lump - that's where he hangs out.

On the baby front, not much news to report. We have our weekly appointment tomorrow and should know if anything has progressed since last week. Now that we're just about 36 weeks along, I'm totally okay with labor happening now. I thought last night might be the night after some major intestinal distress, so I puppy-padded the bed and slept on a towel just in case. But no baby. Still pregnant.

Back to work for me. I have to clean off my desk and pack away all my personal items (dog photos) as a preemptive measure in case he comes early. We are short on space and they'll use my desk for hotelers while I'm gone. Lame.

Secret Pregnancy Catch Up

Up until it become pretty obvious, my pregnancy was like fight club - first rule was, we didn't talk about it. My family and friends that I had seen in person knew, but I wasn't talking about it with many people. And I certainly wasn't sharing pictures. So here's a little photo catch up of this pregnancy, which has felt like it's lasted for about a year.

1. Finding out in December (Christmas Eve!) and our first unplanned ultrasound due to bleeding (we started our medical relationship with a bang)! Yes, I kept testing every week to make sure my results were getting stronger, since the doctors don't see you until 8+ weeks:

2.  Belly - I thought I was big starting around 16 weeks. Ha. Ha. Ha.

3. Ultrasounds Galore, including special greetings sent to family members:

4. Miscellaneous:  Some NST action, the "I should have just ordered one from the restaurant" shot, and getting ready with baby sleeping quarters - not the way he expected to spend his world cup.

5. Our baby once bore a strong resemblance to Strong Bad. Or a Luchador. Or the Donny Darko bunny.

35 Weeks

35 Weeks Pregnant and 35 Days until Due Date

Still pregnant. Yep, just chugging along. Maybe we can make it two more weeks to term? At this point, it wouldn't surprise me. But we'll see how many more hospital visits we have before then.

I returned to work today and it was tiring. My back is not very happy about being upright all day, nor are my sausage feet. On the upside, I work in start-up land, and we have an ice cream freezer at work and unlimited snacks, so today, for the first time since working there, I ate a Twix ice cream bar. It was delicious. My savior of a boss also said that working half days when I needed would be totally fine, for which I'm very thankful. I left the office at about 3, after all my meetings, and am now safely back on my couch. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, right? Well I think I had just adjusted to the sloth life over the weekend. I guess I'll have another go at it once maternity leave begins.

Baby to Produce Comparison: Large Cantaloupe? But really, small baby sized.

Whoa.

Sleep: It's hard to fall asleep but I love it when I can get it. I'm still having insane dreams and making at least three bathroom trips every night.

Best Moment this Week: I'm boycotting this question because my best moment is always food-based and it's making me question my emotional eating habits.

Movement: Ouch. It's starting to hurt. My stomach is really tender to the touch, and according to the internet this has to do with internal bruising from the giant baby fighting for space in my abdomen. I can tell that he doesn't have as much room to make big movements any more, but I feel a lot of taps and rolls, on both ends.

Symptoms: Well, I seem to be getting bigger by the day. I also keep running into doorways, chairs, and other humans with my belly.Lots of cramping, lots of practice-lactation, lots of emotions. Maybe we are getting close.

What I Miss: Running. All the things I've already mentioned.

Cravings: Bagels and Cream Cheese. Ice Cream. Breakfast burritos.

Days 19 & 20: the Final Countdown

What? I have to go to work tomorrow? Makeup is going to go on my face? I wonder if any of my maternity clothes still fit me. Getting dressed tomorrow will certainly be interesting.

Instead of a victory lap finishing up my bed rest, I'm sort of sliding into the end with some war wounds and dirt on my face. I can only be described as a hot mess for these past few days - a hot, crying mess. We learned about emotional sign posts during labor in our childbirth class, and considering that I'm having a very long, very drawn out "latent phase," or phase 1, I guess I'm experiencing some extra sign posts along the way. Mainly, self doubt, anxiety, and extreme emotions. Thankfully, my mom came down today and yesterday to help with some household stuff and to talk me down.

I am celebrating my last day with a Gossip Girl marathon. I needed something mindless, entertaining, and with pretty people, to offset the images I see in the mirror everyday. I can't believe I never realized that I had only seen the first season! Netflix goldmine!

* I forgot to finish this yesterday because I had an emotional melt down right around dinner time (second of the day). Harrison and I had a much needed talk and then he brought me a milkshake from In n Out, so at least the day ended well. 35 week update incoming - from the office.

Days 17 & 18

July 27 & 28 2014
34 Weeks + 3-4 Days
37-38 days until due date

It's been a rough couple of days. I can't sugar coat it. On Sunday I was just really frustrated and emotional (and HOT), and yesterday I had some sad news from a best friend that really broke my heart. Much as I have been trying to dress my complaints up in humor, at the end of the day they are complaints, plain and simple. I feel terrible about my attitude lately, which just compounds the guilt I already feel about not being thankful and excited and, god forbid, glowing.

What it comes down to for me is this: pregnancy is, hands down, the most challenging thing I have ever been through. I don't know if it's like this for everyone, but for me, it has been extremely challenging. Every day feels like an obstacle that I just need to get through. Pregnancy has challenged my self confidence, my self worth, my emotional health, my physical health, and my marriage. I don't feel like I know myself anymore. I don't know what I have to offer to my family and loved ones anymore.

Everyone says that parenthood changes you and that your life will never be the same after you have a baby. We have all heard the "sleep while you can!" and the "welcome to parenthood!" platitudes. But what they don't tell you is that pregnancy changes you right from the start. You put aside your comfort, your health, and your preferences for the good of a (seemingly theoretic) baby who you haven't been able to meet yet. I thought that I would be able to run and have date nights and enjoy my last few months of non-parenthood. But right from the start, the positive pregnancy test changed every single decision and calculation I made about how to live my daily life. And that is really hard. Anyone that tells you it isn't, is lying.

Losing a baby means that I am still unsure that this will all be worth it. I still have vivid flashbacks to that horrible night in the ER. I am terrified of going into labor, because the only association I have with labor is the feeling the worst grief and anguish of my whole life. I'm not quite sure how you turn that into excitement.

And yet, somehow, I am still willing to do this. Call it the biological imperative, or call it insanity. I don't know. But I know that even at my lowest, the thought of something happening to my baby cripples me with fear and anxiety. So I take the steroid shots. I get the weekly cervical checks. I insert the synthetic hormones, And I lay on the couch watching myself deteriorate. I am not doing it with a smile on my face, but I'm doing it.

This is my long winded way of saying that I'm having a hard time. These past few days have been brutal, not only for me, but for a lot of people I love. But, even though I'm having a hard time (and complaining about it to the internet), I'm thankful that I and the baby are healthy so far. I still don't believe that we'll have a happy ending, but I'm counting down the days and weeks to getting this guy safely into the world. I appreciate all the support and love I have received from my circle of family and friends, and I am thankful for each day that this pregnancy remains healthy.

So, thank you circle, for listening to me complain. I know it's not fun to be one of my counted-upons right now, but I hope that one day I can pay you back. And I hope that one day I return to my old self, or at least an improved version of old me. With a cute baby. I hope he's cute.

Woof. That got heavy. Here's a dog palate cleanser.

George Michael and my eyebrows. Did I mention that I had to cancel my wax? Thanks bed rest.

He's really happy Auntie brought him a new pillow.

Doctor's Update

We had our weekly appointment this morning, and all is looking good so far. I'm now dilated to 3 centimeters. My fundal height (belly) is measuring 35 cms - right on schedule - and fetal heart rate is good. My blood pressure is holding steady as well. Baby is still head down.

I am cleared to go back to work on Thursday with the promise that I would take it easy and listen to my body. I'm planning on working abbreviated days in the office and working from home on the days that I don't feel up to it. I can also stop using the progesterone next week.

In good news, I actually tested negative for Group B Strep, which means I won't have to have IV antibiotics administered at the hospital. I'm super happy about this. Dr. Parman even said, when taking my swab, "I just feel like you're going to have this, since every other yucky thing that can happen to you already has." A definite sign of an easy pregnancy.

She really doesn't think I'll go all the way to my due date, and predicts a baby in the next few weeks. But she has no idea, and freely admits that. So - more uncertainty and, of course, constant vigilance.

Bed Rest Days 15 & 16

Day 15 - July 20, 2014
34 Weeks 1 Day Pregnant
41 days until Due Date

Pop quiz hot shot: What's the fastest way to enrage an extremely pregnant woman?  Answer: Crank up the temperature to 99+ degrees and force her to sit in a house that has no central AC, cross breeze, or tree shade to speak of for the entire duration of the day. Thanks universe - totally appreciate this heat wave.

Basically, I am cranky. So cranky. The heat cranks up all of my symptoms to a 12. My heartburn gets worse, I swell uncontrollably, and with the 5 pound space heater strapped to my stomach, there is no chance of cooling off once I start sweating. My body has also decided that it's allergic to my sweat, or hair follicles, or something, and I get this recurring heat rash under my arms that feels like I had a too-aggressive acid peel.

On Friday, day 15 of 21, midst my heat rage, I didn't accomplish very much. I:

• Thought about the fact that my whole team was on a booze cruise in San Francisco Bay without me. I love a booze cruise. I have missed every single social event since I started at Box due to pregnancy. It's not even Fear of Missing Out at this point, it's just Expectation of Missing Out. Lame.
• Started my maternity leave process. One would think I'd be on top of this. But it's confusing, and I'm easily frustrated right now, and I have been avoiding it like the plague. I'll be covered by three separate sources - Federal Leave, State Disability, and Box Benefits, which is administered by a third party company, and I am just overwhelmed by the paperwork.
• Made the ill advised decision to watch part of that twilight movie on TV with the vampire birth scene. In summary: young Bella is knocked up by her vampire husband Edward, and no one knew this was possible. Her vampire baby is sucking the life out of her from the inside, and the only thing that helps her feel stronger is drinking human blood. She wastes away to nothing (and I even googled how they did the makeup for this, because it was pretty good) and then the baby breaks her in half whilst trying to escape and then they save her by turning her into a vampire after she expels the vampire baby. Watching this was a poor decision. The birth class birth videos were already traumatizing enough. But based on how I've been feeling, this vampire baby scenario doesn't seem that far off.
• Cleansed my mental palate with a little Hunger Games marathon. Yeah, yeah - kids fighting to the death is not uplifting. But I love Katniss and I always will, and I harbor a secret belief that I'm a bad ass like her. My old boss told me that in his mental casting of the Hunger Games, I was Katniss, and it was basically the greatest compliment anyone has ever given me.
• Harry and I are watching Orphan Black. Holy. Schnikes. No spoilers for anyone, but we saw an episode involving a tail. And I don't think we'll ever be the same. For those who haven't watched it - it's awesome! And Season 1 is free streaming on Amazon Prime.

 Bonus Dog Pics:

 Day 16 - July 21, 2014
34 Weeks 2 Day Pregnant
40 days until Due Date

Still pregnant! This whole cycle of going to a routine check up, seeing a doctor's face looking slightly wide eyed and/or panicked, being sent to the hospital for "rescue" treatment, followed by several days of internal panic and then... nothing - it's getting a little old.

This is the third cycle of the process. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad that baby is still safely in my tummy and getting stronger every day. But it's getting really mentally tough to care about anything when we have been riding this roller coaster for a full year. I joked with Harrison yesterday that "it's going to be just hilarious when I go over my due date after all this," and he was in agreement - at this point that would NOT be funny. We have been on high alert for so long that we just aren't able to concentrate on much else.

I guess this is why you have family. My whole family has been tag teaming our prep for the baby, and my mom and sister came yesterday to help clean out the baby's room. We:

• Cleaned out the closet and got a huge load of stuff to go to goodwill.
• We finally transferred our files to the file boxes I purchased like.... 10 weeks ago.  One of Harrison's favorite stories about me is the time that I bought a filing cabinet from Ikea, assembled the middle drawer upside down in a non-reversible way, and lived with the filing cabinet sans middle-drawer for like 5 years. I believe that when it happened, he took a picture and sent it to all his friends to show off the household prowess of his live in girlfriend. This was before camera phones were prevalent, so this took a lot of effort. Well, the open-concept filing cabinet is no more. Huge milestone.
• Put away and sorted baby clothes. Ahh! We have a single outfit that will fit a baby under seven pounds, because we laughed about how big this guy would be. If he does come early - we may be making some quick trips to baby Gap from the hospital.
• I know my sister loves me, because she went to the pharmacy and bought me a pack of depends for postpartum use (all the internets are doing it). My hospital bag is just about packed!  Just waiting on the rubber flip flops and to throw in some clothes for Harry.
• Annie used her Rainman-like organizational skills to clean out and organize my crafts stockpile. I'm going to make her come back and do my whole closet.
• Harry and I were too hot to cook, too hot to be hungry, and too hot to be interested in much, so we ordered pizza and stayed up a bit late watching Orphan Black. Exciting life.

My Pregnancy and Why it's Not Normal (or Enjoyable)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past year of my life, and especially in this late stage of pregnancy, how different this is from the way I thought pregnancy would be. The two most important men in my life - dad and Harrison, have two sayings that they love repeating to me in an annoyingly consistent manner. "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans" and "You know what happens when you assume - you make an ass of you and me" respectively. Is it true that you marry your father? Maybe.

I am guilty of making (subconscious) plans, and assuming. Sue me. I always thought that I would be "good" at having kids. I've been the "mother" of my group of friends for my whole life. The responsible one with the big purse, the stain stick, keeping us on time, on track, and safe. I have birthing hips that have been pointed out my oblivious old men for as long as I can recall. If I had to live with this less than ideal body type, it seemed like there should be some upside to it - fertility maybe?

So, it was a shock when I had a really hard time getting pregnant the first time. Then, more surprise when my body just did not agree with my first pregnancy, and I felt like I was dying for four months. And it was completely devastating when we lost our first baby girl in a late miscarriage back in October. I am still mourning her loss, and just thinking about her sweet face makes me ache with a pain that I didn't know was possible before last year. Somewhere in that four months I became a mother, and would have done anything I could to save her, and in the end, I couldn't.

My first pregnancy was the start of a long process of giving up control of my body, my emotions, and my life. And when we were lucky enough to conceive again last December, we were excited, but knew that this pregnancy would be living in the shadow of our first loss. We found a therapist for me to talk to. We had a frank conversation (Harrison would tell you that I cry-yelled) with our OBGYN about how I wanted this handled differently (high risk, hands on, no ignoring me when I said something was wrong). And all of this has helped, though I can't help but feel a little isolated, a little alone, and a little cheated from having a "normal pregnancy."

Take this weekend as an example. I was supposed to go to a lovely baby shower tomorrow in Napa, then drive to Sacramento for my own on Sunday. I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but considering that I've attended more than I can count, I was kind of hoping to have my own. Instead, we had to cancel our plans due to my bed rest. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but sitting here in dirty pajamas on the hottest day of the year, it's tough not to be a little bit bummed about my state of affairs. With six weeks (maybe) of pregnancy left, I realize how far off this experiences has been from my expectations.

• My Body: I always thought that I would eat well during my pregnancy. After all, the best diet for me should surely be the best diet for growing a baby. No processed foods, responsibly farmed meats, tons of veggies - simple! Well, I gained 25 pounds during my first pregnancy. Part of this was the fact that I started off in the best shape I've probably ever been in. I worked for 2 years with a trainer and had followed a pretty strict diet for over a year and a half. To put this in perspective, two weeks before I got pregnant for the first time, I ran a half marathon for fun. I didn't train AT ALL and finished easily. Who is that person? I was gravely sick during my first pregnancy, and I remember the reluctant discovery that eating simple carbs constantly was the only solution to the 24 hour nausea. I developed a huge aversion to proteins and vegetables - the staples of my diet for the past 2 years. I remember eating that first granola bar with massive feelings of guilt. I realized pretty quickly that I wasn't going to be able to exercise control over my diet anymore. Yes, I was put on zofran, and no, it didn't help. That's the same drug they give chemo patients for their nausea, just so you're aware. The terrible diet didn't stop after the pregnancy - then I was so depressed that I honestly didn't care to lose the weight.
• Fitness: I also thought that I would maintain as much of my physical capability as possible during pregnancy. Easier recovery, right? I was first put on pelvic rest during week 15 of my first pregnancy. I lost my baby at week 16. I was in recovery after my first birth for four weeks. I began running again after recovery, but could barely make it a mile. I worked back up to maybe 3 miles at a time. I found out I was pregnant on Christmas Eve 2013. I was put on pelvic rest due to bleeding at week 7 of my pregnancy - roughly mid January. This officially lasted until Week 24. We had three weeks of "normal" pregnancy, and then I was put back on pelvic rest at Week 27. Then bed rest at Week 32. To put it simply, I have had about 8 weeks of my life in the past 7 months where I've been allowed to exercise. Even until I was placed on bed rest, I negotiated walking-rights and was walking the dogs almost every day. But compared to my old regimen of 2-4 runs a week plus 1-2 sessions with my trainer, this was a huge step down. And now I'm not allowed to do anything. Exercise has always been my escape, my alone time, and my sanity. My number one coping mechanism. To have it taken away when there is plenty of coping to do - it's just not fair.
• My Social Life: I have, for the most part, kept my socializing to a minimum. Part of this was a desire to keep the pregnancy a secret. Another major reason is that I am just plain not very fun to be around. This started with my first loss, when I didn't want to spread my sadness around, and has continued into this pregnancy, when I don't know how to be happy or excited, like people expect me to be. I also don't know how to talk about any of this in a way that's not intense or overly emotional - so I just keep to myself. This all coincided with our move to the suburbs, and I feel like I have lost touch with a lot of close friends. I hope this changes after we get through this.
• Announcing the News: We never did. We were outed a few times by photos or leading comments on social media, but we never made a formal announcement. My modus operandi was to show up with a new belly and make people squirm for a few minutes. One of the best things about the first pregnancy was telling our friends and family, and it's just something that we didn't feel comfortable doing this time.
• Trusting my body, statistics, the doctors: I have heard women talk about how amazing it is to witness their body's capabilities. Without being dramatic or going into too much detail, this relationship with your body changes when you have seen and felt it go against your every wish and betray you. On top of that, every statistic that was once comforting (95% of pregnancies are safe after the first trimester!) becomes a slap in the face, because you were on the wrong side of those numbers. Our second trimester blood screen for genetic abnormalities came back with a high risk for a Neural Tube Defect. We received this result on a Friday afternoon. I spent that weekend knowing, just knowing, that my body had somehow given our baby a spinal defect. Never mind that the test is designed to capture a huge number of false positives - statistics mean nothing to me now. I didn't even consider that he might be okay until we got into the Level 2 ultrasound and saw a wonderfully formed spine.And finally, the doctors. I no longer take no for an answer. If I have a feeling about something, we're going to monitor it or test for it. I don't take "that's just part of pregnancy" as an answer anymore. 
• Excitement/bonding with the baby: After almost 12 months of being pregnant, I have a hard time reconciling this unpleasant process with any kind of a benefit it may bring. I don't particularly enjoy weekly pelvic exams, near constant anxiety, or general discomfort. I am still not convinced that we'll have a baby, and it's hard to remember why we wanted this in the first place. It's hard not to feel guilty. It's also hard not to wish that we could have our first baby. I know I'll love my son, but that doesn't change the loss I still feel over the daughter that we will never get to meet. It's not that I don't want this baby, it's that I want to have my other baby as well. When I see women who follow that straight path from positive pregnancy test to cute baby, with unbridled excitement and enthusiasm along the way, I can't help but be jealous.

It's hard to admit all of this to anyone other than my therapist, but it's the reality of my pregnancy. If you have felt that I'm distant or quiet recently - I hope this this explains why. It's been the hardest year of my life, and I just hope that it's worth it.

34 Weeks and Bed Rest Day 14

34 Week Belly with Bonus
Spirit Animal

July 24, 2014
Bed Rest Day 14
42 Days until Due Date

First the weekly update:

Baby to Produce Comparison: Pineapple. Or, small baby sized? The apps are telling me that he's about 4.9 lbs now, but since he was estimated at 4.75 two weeks ago, I think that's on the small side.

Sleep: Depends on the day. Still getting up at least 3 times a night and waking to very achy hips and lower abdomen. Rolling myself over to switch sides has become an Olympic caliber sport.  One day I can't sleep past 5 AM, the next (today) I oversleep my alarm by an hour.

Best Moment this Week: It's pretty hard to pick "best moments" when I am just trying to make it through each day. I think it was probably having my mom and sister sitting with me in the hospital, sneaking me snacks and making me laugh about my mom's amazing hospital badge photo They take photos and attach passes to all visitors, probably to prevent baby snatchers from getting in. My mom's is so good. If I hadn't promised her that it would only go in the baby book, I would post a photo here. But I love you mom, and I'll keep it for my own enjoyment. 

Are you not entertained? 

Gender: Still a boy and not a puppy. Why is this question relevant to a weekly update? Where is the logic??

Movement: He certainly seems to be enjoying himself in there. At least one of us is active. Today he's a little mellow, but his kicks and rolls are getting pretty strong. Last night he was kicking me repeatedly in the side while I tried to fall asleep. It was delightful.

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Constant urination. Constant. My favorite is when I don't realize that I need to pee until Chalupa decides to punch and/or headbutt my bladder like it's a soccer ball, and I have the sudden sensation that I'm going to wet myself. He really likes to do this when I'm on the phone for work. You know what else they don't tell you? It hurts to empty your bladder. And no, this isn't a UTI or infection, it's the pain of your uterus settling back into place after your bladder deflates. Isn't that charming? It feels especially good at 4 AM. I am also dying of heat. Late pregnancy in the summer time is something I never wanted to experience. And it's supposed to be 95 tomorrow. Awesome.

•   

Sup Ladies?

What I Miss: Everything I have ever enjoyed doing? Exercise. Good soft cheese. Abdominal strength. The OBGYN receptionists not knowing my name.

Cravings: Lemonade. Sparkling anything. Potatoes (all forms). Salty margaritas. Cheesecake. Dairy.

AAAND... today in bed rest:

• Went to therapy. I dreaded it as always, but was happy I went after the fact (as always)
• More phone interviews and dialing into meetings - happy I've stayed relatively effective in my isolation
• Watched Work Out on Netflix. It's an old reality show about personal trainers. I might as well watch really fit people be fit without me.
• Read this and felt sad about the state of the world.

Quick Update

34 Weeks and still pregnant. We did it!

Bed Rest Day 13

Bed Rest Day 13, July 23 2014
33 Weeks 6 Days
43 Days Until Due Date

Nurse George Michael

This morning, thankfully, I was back to sleeping like a rock. I rolled myself (literally) out of bed at a reasonable time and did a little mental check of my physical condition. I was still really crampy, and my back was killing me, which made me a bit nervous. I had some bleeding after the hospital check yesterday, which didn't help my anxiety level. But, as the day went on, the cramping subsided.

Breast pads also make
great coasters

We went in to the doctor's office this afternoon, and I declined the cervical check. Harrison thought I might regret not knowing my status after the fact, but I declined for a few reasons. First, I was in a lot of pain after having two yesterday. I just don't think it's worth it to keep irritating my body, when the information we would get might not mean anything. Second, my doctor said that the only thing that might change our course of action, is if she found that i had dilated to a 4 or greater, she'd probably send me back to the hospital.  After clarifying that at some point in this process, my body would give me an indication that the baby was coming (and the baby couldn't just fall out unannounced), I decided that it wasn't worth knowing. We are less than seven hours from 34 weeks, so it's not something that they would try to stop anyway. We have another appointment on Tuesday, and I'm happy to check for any further progress at that point.

Harrison, as almost always, has proved to be a little right, in the sense that I am kind of wondering now that I'm home. But I think in the long run, a little ignorance is better for my anxiety (and my body). Aside from the doctor, a pretty uneventful day:

• I packed my hospital bag! Kind of! I put things in a bag. I already realized that I forgot to pack baby clothes (I keep forgetting that the whole purpose of this thing is to have a baby). I'm already an all-star parent. For those of you with babies - any must-haves I should be packing?
• I ate some of my goodies delivered by Good Eggs. Have you ever heard of a kouign amann pastry? Life changing.  Salty-sweet and buttery. A croissant on crack.
• More phone interviews. These ambitious young folks are making me feel bad about myself. I am wondering if I'll even be able to conduct any onsite interviews at this point. 

Tomorrow I have to leave the house again for therapy. Ugh. Is it possible to become a misanthrope in 13 days?

Mama June

Never have I related to her so much.

"Bed Rest" Day 12

July 22, 2014 - 33 Weeks 5 Days Pregnant

Big day out.

Why the quotation marks? Well, I spent the majority of the day out of bed, and now I'm exhausted. We had our weekly check in with Dr. Parman at about 1:45, and as I expected, she discovered that I have indeed started dilating. Oy. She says conservatively she could call me a 1.5, but that she could easily say I've reached 2 centimeters. My waters are bulging a bit - meaning they could break pretty easily.

As usual, the fear is that the dilation was acute and not gradual, indicating that my body is in labor. We were able to get a bonus look at the baby on ultrasound to ensure that he is still head down. Dr. Parman didn't want to confirm that "digitally" and risk breaking my water.  He's head down and face down and generally ready to go. We also saw him taking some practice breaths and opening and closing his mouth - all great signs that his lungs are developing nicely. "That is a real baby" is all I could think about when I saw him. Most of the time, it still doesn't seem real.

I have been having a bit of cramping and some other symptoms mentioned before, so Dr. Parman asked me to return to L&D for additional monitoring for several hours, and another cervical check for changes. If there were clear contractions or changes to the cervix during that time, they'd keep me at least overnight and possibly until the baby was born, and administer drugs to stop labor. If not, I'd get to go home, and come back to the doctor's office for another check tomorrow. Remember, we're two days short of that magical 34 week mark, when they wouldn't try to stop labor.

Before I go on, can you just take a look at how beautiful it is outside? After not leaving the house for 6 days, I was genuinely struck by how gorgeous the sky was today, and how nice it felt to be outside (in my air conditioned vehicle).

So, off to L&D for me, my third visit this pregnancy. Back into the world's most uncomfortable exam bed I went, and they hooked me up to the fetal monitor, the contraction monitor, and the vitals arm cuff. Then, like angels from heaven, my mom and sister arrived to keep me company and bring me snacks. The admissions nurse even snuck in an extra chair for them after the charge nurse told me I could only have one visitor at a time in the tiny room.

The butterfly isn't helping the aesthetic
in the world's ugliest exam room.
Not impressed.

Annie and Mom were so awesome to have with me - though I was afraid that they would think my laughing fits were contractions on the monitor. They did register, but didn't fool the doctor.

I sat in that horrible bed for 2 hours listening to little guy's heart beat and not having any contractions. It would appear that my rebellious little cervix is dilating all on its own. After several hours, the doctor on call was satisfied that I was not in labor, and gave me my second cervical check of the day (how did I get so lucky?), and thankfully found no change. I was allowed to go home without any injections, steroid or otherwise.

Now I'm safely back in my rest-nest with my cross stitch patterns and laptop, but am finally accepting the reality that this baby is probably coming in the next few weeks. And I'm freaking out, you guys. We are NOT READY. Healthy procrastination combined with unexpected bed rest means that we have a lot left to do. I'm not even allowed to order my breast pump until 30 days before my due date - which is August 5! On top of it all, we missed the last two weeks of birth class, which covered little things like, oh, birth plans and newborn care. I don't even know how to put a diaper on a child. I'm sure we'll nail this whole having a baby thing. Don't worry guys, we got this. 

Parenthood.

Harry has talked me down and we agreed that we'll first aim to get through the next 30 hours to the magic 34 week mark. From there, we'll try to get to 35, 36, and even 37 weeks. It's not unheard of. But in all likelihood, Baby MacNandez is showing up. Soon. 

I'm super excited that I was allowed to come home, because tonight is a big night in the Real Housewives franchise. Aviva Drescher throws her fake leg. At another Housewife. Seriously. I. Can't. Wait. Think strong cervix thoughts for me, and let's make it through the next 30 hours.

Insomnia

I guess I jinxed myself by saying that I couldn't get enough sleep yesterday. I could not fall asleep last night, which resulted in an 11 PM insatiable need for cereal. Frosted Mini Wheats - pregnant lady's best friend. Then I woke up to pee at 5 AM and there was no going back to sleep. So here I am, prepping the deck for my 9 AM meeting and watching local news. My life is so glamorous.

Bonus pics from a day in the life:

Oh excuse us, is this your bed-rest-nest?

Grip n' Grab: Bed Rest Game Changer

Bed Rest Days 10 & 11

Day 10 - July 20, 2014
33 Weeks and 3 Days Pregnant

Obese Hairless Cat is my Spirit Animal

• Lots of stitching and bitching today! My hips hurt, my butt hurts, and I found stretch marks on the bottom of my stomach - in the mirror. Thankfully I can't see them from my perspective. Let's add one more debt to Chalupa's balance sheet.
• Our landlord showed up at our front door. AGAIN. This guy. Apparently, the guy in the back house complained about the child-size trashcan that we share between units. And, instead of using the telephone like a normal person, he called the 95 year old woman across the street to find out if we were all home, then drove from Milpitas to Menlo Park to talk to back yard guy IN PERSON. It's not creepy at all that he asks neighbors to spy on us. Not at all. Shocker, backyard guy left the house (we can't all live my life) and wasn't here by the time landlord nightmare arrived. So what does does he do? Rings our doorbell of course. Well, let me tell you - this is the first time I have been thankful for my bed rest excuse. I cut him off when he started in on one of his patented 25 minute monologues and told him that I needed to lay down and couldn't speak to him at the moment. I think I'll just tell him I'm on bed rest for the rest of my life. This guy is the worst. Have I mentioned that the last time he was here he said, "looks like you've gained some weight!"?  I think I'll plant some bamboo seedlings in the back yard before we move out.
• Harrison made me chili dogs for dinner. I have been really into hot dogs this pregnancy. Don't judge me. He even picked up the good Applegate Farms hot dogs - they were delicious!

Day 11 - July 21, 2014

33 Weeks 4 Days Pregnant

• Mom visit! She brought cousin Lucille, her jack russell, to play with the pups. Sweet Dee is infatuated. Hurricane Jane stormed the house and accomplished more than seems humanly possible in a 4 hour visit. I'm super excited that she helped me change my sheets - if I could, I would change them daily, with the amount of night sweats I've had. I think I read once that Martha Stewart's biggest indulgence is that she changes her bed sheets every single day. I get it Martha. I get it.
• Interviewed another unsuspecting candidate via telephone, while I leaked colostrum all over my dirty white t-shirt. PLACE YOUR CAREER IN MY HANDS, I DARE YOU.
• Game of Crowns. You guys. It's Toddlers and Tiaras meets Real Housewives. One of them is named VanAssa. No joke. I'm not misspelling that. Vanassa. I already know that Vanassa is part Native American and a breast cancer survivor. First major fight of the series: one aging pageant competitor wore the same horrendous jumpsuit as Vanassa on the flight to Tuscon for the Mrs. America pageant. True story. I'm already obsessed.
• Nordstrom Anniversary sale goods delivered! Lots of leggings and some good new pajamas for the hospital. I guess I should get that hospital bag packed now.

That's about it! Tomorrow we have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon, so I'll be leaving the house for the first time in 6 days. Adventure!

Sitting and Feeling

On a good day, you could say that I over-analyze things. And if we're being brutally honest, I would be diagnosed as a control freak with some anxiety issues. Since the loss of our daughter, I have been working on these issues as they relate to pregnancy - a time when you literally have no control over what your body is doing or what you can do with your body - with a very specialized therapist, and it's been helping!

But do you know what doesn't help a person with anxiety and control issues? Being prescribed 21 days of sitting around and having minimal distractions from analyzing the strange things your body is doing. It also doesn't help that the doctors are walking a fine line between, "your cervix could be a sign that your labor is imminent," and, "your cervix changes could just mean that you have a short cervix."

Warning to family here:

Don't tell me that Honey Boo Boo didn't warn you. Because I'm going to talk about all the things my body has done in the next several weeks that make me think labor could be imminent. But, surprise, they could also just mean that I'm pregnant! Ha! It's funny because I can't control it! This most certainly qualifies as TMI. Don't read on if you don't want know know. My filter and dignity are both missing in action.

• Lactation: Practice makes perfect, apparently. Or at least, my chest seems to think that this is true. I have progressively been having more and more, to the extent that last night I woke up to a completely soaked t-shirt and had to go digging through my underwear drawer at 2 am for the pair of breast pads I bought after my first pregnancy to deal with the leakage. I know that some leaking is normal, but watching my body progressively amp up the volume makes me think that something is happening. Or not. 
• Mucus Plug: Things you learn about in birth class: when you're pregnant, your cervical opening seals itself off with  "mucus plug" to prevent infections from getting in and from anything getting out too early. As you approach labor, your body sheds the plug as you dilate. Well folks, mine is shedding. It's gross. I mean, who knows if I even have a real plug to shed at this point, given the thinning and possible dilation, but there has been a definite change in regards to this lovely pregnancy structure. Could mean baby, could mean, "you are so pregnant."
• Hip pain: Holy shit, my hips hurt. So bad. I feel like I was hit my a Mac truck on each side. Some have this pain throughout their pregnancy, but this is new to me and my birthing hips. Could baby be dropping? Or am I just pregnant?
• Every cramp, twinge, lower back pain, and sensation between my belly button and knees: IS IT LABOR?  Or is it my body rebelling against my sloth life?
• Sleep: Can't get enough. I slept for 10 hours Friday night and 11 hours last night. How is it even possible that I'm tired?
• Dogs: They are attached to me. For most of the pregnancy, George Michael and Sweet Dee have been aloof. For the past few days, they have been on me, next to me, or guarding me. WHAT DO YOU KNOW DOGS?

Some time I'll have to write down all of the disgusting things we learned in birth class. Laura thinks I should teach pregnancy prevention to young women. I AGREE.

Bed Rest Days 8 and 9

Hello friends. How are you? How's the outside world? I think I've officially reached the end of my patience and have been quite cranky for the past several days. The work week was good because having some modicum of responsibility and meetings helped to pass the time a little more quickly. These weekend days just seem to drag on and on. And poor Harrison is stuck here with me. He's not tethered to me or anything, but being the great guy that he is, he's not straying far from my side.

Me. Before and after coffee for the past two days.

So, on Friday I had a visitor! The best kind - my mama! She came down in the morning, coffee and leftover Arizmendi pizza in hand (a San Francisco favorite). She was a whirlwind energy and activity - it was so awesome to have her down here. She asked if I wanted anything from the grocery store, and I told her I had really been missing vegetables, and man did she deliver. I ate about 3 pounds of roasted veggies on Friday and Saturday, YUM. 

I feel like a pretty terrible host when people come to visit me, given my appearance, the state of the house, and my cranky spirit. But I can't tell you how much it lifts my spirits to be around people I love and people that are excited for this baby. Since I haven't been able to be very excited during this pregnancy, it's nice to see others happy and excited. This baby is one very lucky little guy. So am I. After mom left on Friday, I also:

• Interviewed another candidate for the first position my team at work. I just kept imagining this very bright woman dressed in her business casual and looking professional, being interviewed by me, in my bathrobe and shorts. At least it wasn't a video conference!
• Called into a few more meetings at work. When I mentioned to my old desk mate that I was on bed rest and working from home for a few weeks, he said "Oh my gosh, what is going on!" I referenced that we just wanted to keep the baby safe for a bit longer and he, no joke, said "what baby?" Bless his heart. I never officially acknowledged the pregnancy at work, and apparently some people were still guessing. When I asked him how he hadn't noticed the 30 lbs of weight gain in my stomach, he just said, "I knew it was a tough year!" I found this completely hilarious. I guess it goes to show that you really never can ask a woman if she's pregnant. Even when she has a basketball shaped growth on her stomach.

Saturday we had more visitors! Dad and Lolly drove in from Sacramento to visit and to help us with a dresser for the baby room (which is still in shambles). Harry and dad put the dresser together, I laid on the couch, and Laura helped me figure out what I need for my hospital bag. Again, I'm a horrible hostess, but I love having people here. It makes the day pass so much faster, and it gives Harrison a break for listening to me whine. 

Harry was also able to get out of the house for a bit with Laura to look for a new couch for us at West Elm. Harrison and I had already picked one no less than 2 months ago, from Macy's, but, long story short, Macy's broke the specially ordered couch before delivery, has horrible customer service, and we had to cancel our order. So, we are still stuck with our too big current couch and looking for its replacement. No luck at West Elm, unfortunately. Anyone know of good sources for dog and kid friendly, good looking couches that won't break the bank? 

After my parents left, Harry and I continued our House binge on Netflix, and ordered Indian for dinner. A nice little bed rest Saturday. I also enjoyed this view for most of the weekend:

These dogs - they are good nurses!

Bed Rest Day 7 - 1/3 Complete!

I officially completed 1/3 of my bed rest prescription yesterday! Time is... moving a at a glacial pace! But at least it means that little guy is still baking. Yesterday was a day for avoiding reality and the 24 hours news cycle for me. Between the violence in Gaza and the horrendous news about Malaysia Flight 17, I had to bury my head a bit.

Per usual, Harrison went to work and I built my nest on the couch. I am attempting to perfect lap desk placement, but my belly makes it hard to type comfortably, since my arms need to be completely stretched out! #bedrestprobz

This is my home now.

• I had my weekly check-ins with my two bosses, and man I love them. They are the kindest, most compassionate people, and I feel really lucky to work for people who are 100% supportive of this less-than-ideal situation I find myself in. One of them actually recently had his third child, and his wife faced similar issues, receiving a cerclage at 20 weeks. It's nice to be able to easily explain my situation to a person who has actually dealt with the emotional ups and downs for a rebellious cervix. By the way, they are very supportive of me working from home for 2 more weeks. How did I get so lucky?
• Netflix... what would I do without you? Seriously, this may be the prime technological era to be confined to bed (and in Sillicon Valley). I mean, I have an app to get groceries delivered to my front door, which is pretty great. And Netflix is making my life bearable. I had a pretty hard time concentrating on work yesterday, so I watched the documentary 20 Feet from Stardom in the morning, which is about the incredible backup singers that worked with bands./artists like the Rolling Stones and Tina Turner. Speaking of which, Tina Turner was a BABE. I think I'm obsessed with her. And just as soon as I'm allowed to use my legs, I think I'm going to be working towards Tina Turner legs on my runs and workouts. It was a great movie, and my mom should DEFINITELY watch it, because it's got a lot of Mick.
• I also watched, for the 47th time, The Sweetest Thing. I turned it on because it has great San Francisco eye-porn, and I miss my little city. It is such a funny, totally raunchy movie, and super enjoyable. I have no idea if people remember this movie or loved it as much as I did, but it's definitely the pre-cursor to other raunchy female comedies, like Bridesmaids. It's over the top and hilarious. Christina Applegate is a national treasure.
• Harry made me tacos for dinner and we finally watched the Season 2 finale of Orange is the New Black.  I thought it was kind of a slow episode, but the ending made it worthwhile. Finally! I can't wait for next season.