Days 19 & 20: the Final Countdown

What? I have to go to work tomorrow? Makeup is going to go on my face? I wonder if any of my maternity clothes still fit me. Getting dressed tomorrow will certainly be interesting.

Instead of a victory lap finishing up my bed rest, I'm sort of sliding into the end with some war wounds and dirt on my face. I can only be described as a hot mess for these past few days - a hot, crying mess. We learned about emotional sign posts during labor in our childbirth class, and considering that I'm having a very long, very drawn out "latent phase," or phase 1, I guess I'm experiencing some extra sign posts along the way. Mainly, self doubt, anxiety, and extreme emotions. Thankfully, my mom came down today and yesterday to help with some household stuff and to talk me down.

I am celebrating my last day with a Gossip Girl marathon. I needed something mindless, entertaining, and with pretty people, to offset the images I see in the mirror everyday. I can't believe I never realized that I had only seen the first season! Netflix goldmine!

* I forgot to finish this yesterday because I had an emotional melt down right around dinner time (second of the day). Harrison and I had a much needed talk and then he brought me a milkshake from In n Out, so at least the day ended well. 35 week update incoming - from the office.

Days 17 & 18

July 27 & 28 2014
34 Weeks + 3-4 Days
37-38 days until due date

It's been a rough couple of days. I can't sugar coat it. On Sunday I was just really frustrated and emotional (and HOT), and yesterday I had some sad news from a best friend that really broke my heart. Much as I have been trying to dress my complaints up in humor, at the end of the day they are complaints, plain and simple. I feel terrible about my attitude lately, which just compounds the guilt I already feel about not being thankful and excited and, god forbid, glowing.

What it comes down to for me is this: pregnancy is, hands down, the most challenging thing I have ever been through. I don't know if it's like this for everyone, but for me, it has been extremely challenging. Every day feels like an obstacle that I just need to get through. Pregnancy has challenged my self confidence, my self worth, my emotional health, my physical health, and my marriage. I don't feel like I know myself anymore. I don't know what I have to offer to my family and loved ones anymore.

Everyone says that parenthood changes you and that your life will never be the same after you have a baby. We have all heard the "sleep while you can!" and the "welcome to parenthood!" platitudes. But what they don't tell you is that pregnancy changes you right from the start. You put aside your comfort, your health, and your preferences for the good of a (seemingly theoretic) baby who you haven't been able to meet yet. I thought that I would be able to run and have date nights and enjoy my last few months of non-parenthood. But right from the start, the positive pregnancy test changed every single decision and calculation I made about how to live my daily life. And that is really hard. Anyone that tells you it isn't, is lying.

Losing a baby means that I am still unsure that this will all be worth it. I still have vivid flashbacks to that horrible night in the ER. I am terrified of going into labor, because the only association I have with labor is the feeling the worst grief and anguish of my whole life. I'm not quite sure how you turn that into excitement.

And yet, somehow, I am still willing to do this. Call it the biological imperative, or call it insanity. I don't know. But I know that even at my lowest, the thought of something happening to my baby cripples me with fear and anxiety. So I take the steroid shots. I get the weekly cervical checks. I insert the synthetic hormones, And I lay on the couch watching myself deteriorate. I am not doing it with a smile on my face, but I'm doing it.

This is my long winded way of saying that I'm having a hard time. These past few days have been brutal, not only for me, but for a lot of people I love. But, even though I'm having a hard time (and complaining about it to the internet), I'm thankful that I and the baby are healthy so far. I still don't believe that we'll have a happy ending, but I'm counting down the days and weeks to getting this guy safely into the world. I appreciate all the support and love I have received from my circle of family and friends, and I am thankful for each day that this pregnancy remains healthy.

So, thank you circle, for listening to me complain. I know it's not fun to be one of my counted-upons right now, but I hope that one day I can pay you back. And I hope that one day I return to my old self, or at least an improved version of old me. With a cute baby. I hope he's cute.

Woof. That got heavy. Here's a dog palate cleanser.

George Michael and my eyebrows. Did I mention that I had to cancel my wax? Thanks bed rest.

He's really happy Auntie brought him a new pillow.

Doctor's Update

We had our weekly appointment this morning, and all is looking good so far. I'm now dilated to 3 centimeters. My fundal height (belly) is measuring 35 cms - right on schedule - and fetal heart rate is good. My blood pressure is holding steady as well. Baby is still head down.

I am cleared to go back to work on Thursday with the promise that I would take it easy and listen to my body. I'm planning on working abbreviated days in the office and working from home on the days that I don't feel up to it. I can also stop using the progesterone next week.

In good news, I actually tested negative for Group B Strep, which means I won't have to have IV antibiotics administered at the hospital. I'm super happy about this. Dr. Parman even said, when taking my swab, "I just feel like you're going to have this, since every other yucky thing that can happen to you already has." A definite sign of an easy pregnancy.

She really doesn't think I'll go all the way to my due date, and predicts a baby in the next few weeks. But she has no idea, and freely admits that. So - more uncertainty and, of course, constant vigilance.

Bed Rest Days 15 & 16

Day 15 - July 20, 2014
34 Weeks 1 Day Pregnant
41 days until Due Date

Pop quiz hot shot: What's the fastest way to enrage an extremely pregnant woman?  Answer: Crank up the temperature to 99+ degrees and force her to sit in a house that has no central AC, cross breeze, or tree shade to speak of for the entire duration of the day. Thanks universe - totally appreciate this heat wave.

Basically, I am cranky. So cranky. The heat cranks up all of my symptoms to a 12. My heartburn gets worse, I swell uncontrollably, and with the 5 pound space heater strapped to my stomach, there is no chance of cooling off once I start sweating. My body has also decided that it's allergic to my sweat, or hair follicles, or something, and I get this recurring heat rash under my arms that feels like I had a too-aggressive acid peel.

On Friday, day 15 of 21, midst my heat rage, I didn't accomplish very much. I:

• Thought about the fact that my whole team was on a booze cruise in San Francisco Bay without me. I love a booze cruise. I have missed every single social event since I started at Box due to pregnancy. It's not even Fear of Missing Out at this point, it's just Expectation of Missing Out. Lame.
• Started my maternity leave process. One would think I'd be on top of this. But it's confusing, and I'm easily frustrated right now, and I have been avoiding it like the plague. I'll be covered by three separate sources - Federal Leave, State Disability, and Box Benefits, which is administered by a third party company, and I am just overwhelmed by the paperwork.
• Made the ill advised decision to watch part of that twilight movie on TV with the vampire birth scene. In summary: young Bella is knocked up by her vampire husband Edward, and no one knew this was possible. Her vampire baby is sucking the life out of her from the inside, and the only thing that helps her feel stronger is drinking human blood. She wastes away to nothing (and I even googled how they did the makeup for this, because it was pretty good) and then the baby breaks her in half whilst trying to escape and then they save her by turning her into a vampire after she expels the vampire baby. Watching this was a poor decision. The birth class birth videos were already traumatizing enough. But based on how I've been feeling, this vampire baby scenario doesn't seem that far off.
• Cleansed my mental palate with a little Hunger Games marathon. Yeah, yeah - kids fighting to the death is not uplifting. But I love Katniss and I always will, and I harbor a secret belief that I'm a bad ass like her. My old boss told me that in his mental casting of the Hunger Games, I was Katniss, and it was basically the greatest compliment anyone has ever given me.
• Harry and I are watching Orphan Black. Holy. Schnikes. No spoilers for anyone, but we saw an episode involving a tail. And I don't think we'll ever be the same. For those who haven't watched it - it's awesome! And Season 1 is free streaming on Amazon Prime.

 Bonus Dog Pics:

 Day 16 - July 21, 2014
34 Weeks 2 Day Pregnant
40 days until Due Date

Still pregnant! This whole cycle of going to a routine check up, seeing a doctor's face looking slightly wide eyed and/or panicked, being sent to the hospital for "rescue" treatment, followed by several days of internal panic and then... nothing - it's getting a little old.

This is the third cycle of the process. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad that baby is still safely in my tummy and getting stronger every day. But it's getting really mentally tough to care about anything when we have been riding this roller coaster for a full year. I joked with Harrison yesterday that "it's going to be just hilarious when I go over my due date after all this," and he was in agreement - at this point that would NOT be funny. We have been on high alert for so long that we just aren't able to concentrate on much else.

I guess this is why you have family. My whole family has been tag teaming our prep for the baby, and my mom and sister came yesterday to help clean out the baby's room. We:

• Cleaned out the closet and got a huge load of stuff to go to goodwill.
• We finally transferred our files to the file boxes I purchased like.... 10 weeks ago.  One of Harrison's favorite stories about me is the time that I bought a filing cabinet from Ikea, assembled the middle drawer upside down in a non-reversible way, and lived with the filing cabinet sans middle-drawer for like 5 years. I believe that when it happened, he took a picture and sent it to all his friends to show off the household prowess of his live in girlfriend. This was before camera phones were prevalent, so this took a lot of effort. Well, the open-concept filing cabinet is no more. Huge milestone.
• Put away and sorted baby clothes. Ahh! We have a single outfit that will fit a baby under seven pounds, because we laughed about how big this guy would be. If he does come early - we may be making some quick trips to baby Gap from the hospital.
• I know my sister loves me, because she went to the pharmacy and bought me a pack of depends for postpartum use (all the internets are doing it). My hospital bag is just about packed!  Just waiting on the rubber flip flops and to throw in some clothes for Harry.
• Annie used her Rainman-like organizational skills to clean out and organize my crafts stockpile. I'm going to make her come back and do my whole closet.
• Harry and I were too hot to cook, too hot to be hungry, and too hot to be interested in much, so we ordered pizza and stayed up a bit late watching Orphan Black. Exciting life.

My Pregnancy and Why it's Not Normal (or Enjoyable)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past year of my life, and especially in this late stage of pregnancy, how different this is from the way I thought pregnancy would be. The two most important men in my life - dad and Harrison, have two sayings that they love repeating to me in an annoyingly consistent manner. "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans" and "You know what happens when you assume - you make an ass of you and me" respectively. Is it true that you marry your father? Maybe.

I am guilty of making (subconscious) plans, and assuming. Sue me. I always thought that I would be "good" at having kids. I've been the "mother" of my group of friends for my whole life. The responsible one with the big purse, the stain stick, keeping us on time, on track, and safe. I have birthing hips that have been pointed out my oblivious old men for as long as I can recall. If I had to live with this less than ideal body type, it seemed like there should be some upside to it - fertility maybe?

So, it was a shock when I had a really hard time getting pregnant the first time. Then, more surprise when my body just did not agree with my first pregnancy, and I felt like I was dying for four months. And it was completely devastating when we lost our first baby girl in a late miscarriage back in October. I am still mourning her loss, and just thinking about her sweet face makes me ache with a pain that I didn't know was possible before last year. Somewhere in that four months I became a mother, and would have done anything I could to save her, and in the end, I couldn't.

My first pregnancy was the start of a long process of giving up control of my body, my emotions, and my life. And when we were lucky enough to conceive again last December, we were excited, but knew that this pregnancy would be living in the shadow of our first loss. We found a therapist for me to talk to. We had a frank conversation (Harrison would tell you that I cry-yelled) with our OBGYN about how I wanted this handled differently (high risk, hands on, no ignoring me when I said something was wrong). And all of this has helped, though I can't help but feel a little isolated, a little alone, and a little cheated from having a "normal pregnancy."

Take this weekend as an example. I was supposed to go to a lovely baby shower tomorrow in Napa, then drive to Sacramento for my own on Sunday. I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but considering that I've attended more than I can count, I was kind of hoping to have my own. Instead, we had to cancel our plans due to my bed rest. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but sitting here in dirty pajamas on the hottest day of the year, it's tough not to be a little bit bummed about my state of affairs. With six weeks (maybe) of pregnancy left, I realize how far off this experiences has been from my expectations.

• My Body: I always thought that I would eat well during my pregnancy. After all, the best diet for me should surely be the best diet for growing a baby. No processed foods, responsibly farmed meats, tons of veggies - simple! Well, I gained 25 pounds during my first pregnancy. Part of this was the fact that I started off in the best shape I've probably ever been in. I worked for 2 years with a trainer and had followed a pretty strict diet for over a year and a half. To put this in perspective, two weeks before I got pregnant for the first time, I ran a half marathon for fun. I didn't train AT ALL and finished easily. Who is that person? I was gravely sick during my first pregnancy, and I remember the reluctant discovery that eating simple carbs constantly was the only solution to the 24 hour nausea. I developed a huge aversion to proteins and vegetables - the staples of my diet for the past 2 years. I remember eating that first granola bar with massive feelings of guilt. I realized pretty quickly that I wasn't going to be able to exercise control over my diet anymore. Yes, I was put on zofran, and no, it didn't help. That's the same drug they give chemo patients for their nausea, just so you're aware. The terrible diet didn't stop after the pregnancy - then I was so depressed that I honestly didn't care to lose the weight.
• Fitness: I also thought that I would maintain as much of my physical capability as possible during pregnancy. Easier recovery, right? I was first put on pelvic rest during week 15 of my first pregnancy. I lost my baby at week 16. I was in recovery after my first birth for four weeks. I began running again after recovery, but could barely make it a mile. I worked back up to maybe 3 miles at a time. I found out I was pregnant on Christmas Eve 2013. I was put on pelvic rest due to bleeding at week 7 of my pregnancy - roughly mid January. This officially lasted until Week 24. We had three weeks of "normal" pregnancy, and then I was put back on pelvic rest at Week 27. Then bed rest at Week 32. To put it simply, I have had about 8 weeks of my life in the past 7 months where I've been allowed to exercise. Even until I was placed on bed rest, I negotiated walking-rights and was walking the dogs almost every day. But compared to my old regimen of 2-4 runs a week plus 1-2 sessions with my trainer, this was a huge step down. And now I'm not allowed to do anything. Exercise has always been my escape, my alone time, and my sanity. My number one coping mechanism. To have it taken away when there is plenty of coping to do - it's just not fair.
• My Social Life: I have, for the most part, kept my socializing to a minimum. Part of this was a desire to keep the pregnancy a secret. Another major reason is that I am just plain not very fun to be around. This started with my first loss, when I didn't want to spread my sadness around, and has continued into this pregnancy, when I don't know how to be happy or excited, like people expect me to be. I also don't know how to talk about any of this in a way that's not intense or overly emotional - so I just keep to myself. This all coincided with our move to the suburbs, and I feel like I have lost touch with a lot of close friends. I hope this changes after we get through this.
• Announcing the News: We never did. We were outed a few times by photos or leading comments on social media, but we never made a formal announcement. My modus operandi was to show up with a new belly and make people squirm for a few minutes. One of the best things about the first pregnancy was telling our friends and family, and it's just something that we didn't feel comfortable doing this time.
• Trusting my body, statistics, the doctors: I have heard women talk about how amazing it is to witness their body's capabilities. Without being dramatic or going into too much detail, this relationship with your body changes when you have seen and felt it go against your every wish and betray you. On top of that, every statistic that was once comforting (95% of pregnancies are safe after the first trimester!) becomes a slap in the face, because you were on the wrong side of those numbers. Our second trimester blood screen for genetic abnormalities came back with a high risk for a Neural Tube Defect. We received this result on a Friday afternoon. I spent that weekend knowing, just knowing, that my body had somehow given our baby a spinal defect. Never mind that the test is designed to capture a huge number of false positives - statistics mean nothing to me now. I didn't even consider that he might be okay until we got into the Level 2 ultrasound and saw a wonderfully formed spine.And finally, the doctors. I no longer take no for an answer. If I have a feeling about something, we're going to monitor it or test for it. I don't take "that's just part of pregnancy" as an answer anymore. 
• Excitement/bonding with the baby: After almost 12 months of being pregnant, I have a hard time reconciling this unpleasant process with any kind of a benefit it may bring. I don't particularly enjoy weekly pelvic exams, near constant anxiety, or general discomfort. I am still not convinced that we'll have a baby, and it's hard to remember why we wanted this in the first place. It's hard not to feel guilty. It's also hard not to wish that we could have our first baby. I know I'll love my son, but that doesn't change the loss I still feel over the daughter that we will never get to meet. It's not that I don't want this baby, it's that I want to have my other baby as well. When I see women who follow that straight path from positive pregnancy test to cute baby, with unbridled excitement and enthusiasm along the way, I can't help but be jealous.

It's hard to admit all of this to anyone other than my therapist, but it's the reality of my pregnancy. If you have felt that I'm distant or quiet recently - I hope this this explains why. It's been the hardest year of my life, and I just hope that it's worth it.

34 Weeks and Bed Rest Day 14

34 Week Belly with Bonus
Spirit Animal

July 24, 2014
Bed Rest Day 14
42 Days until Due Date

First the weekly update:

Baby to Produce Comparison: Pineapple. Or, small baby sized? The apps are telling me that he's about 4.9 lbs now, but since he was estimated at 4.75 two weeks ago, I think that's on the small side.

Sleep: Depends on the day. Still getting up at least 3 times a night and waking to very achy hips and lower abdomen. Rolling myself over to switch sides has become an Olympic caliber sport.  One day I can't sleep past 5 AM, the next (today) I oversleep my alarm by an hour.

Best Moment this Week: It's pretty hard to pick "best moments" when I am just trying to make it through each day. I think it was probably having my mom and sister sitting with me in the hospital, sneaking me snacks and making me laugh about my mom's amazing hospital badge photo They take photos and attach passes to all visitors, probably to prevent baby snatchers from getting in. My mom's is so good. If I hadn't promised her that it would only go in the baby book, I would post a photo here. But I love you mom, and I'll keep it for my own enjoyment. 

Are you not entertained? 

Gender: Still a boy and not a puppy. Why is this question relevant to a weekly update? Where is the logic??

Movement: He certainly seems to be enjoying himself in there. At least one of us is active. Today he's a little mellow, but his kicks and rolls are getting pretty strong. Last night he was kicking me repeatedly in the side while I tried to fall asleep. It was delightful.

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Constant urination. Constant. My favorite is when I don't realize that I need to pee until Chalupa decides to punch and/or headbutt my bladder like it's a soccer ball, and I have the sudden sensation that I'm going to wet myself. He really likes to do this when I'm on the phone for work. You know what else they don't tell you? It hurts to empty your bladder. And no, this isn't a UTI or infection, it's the pain of your uterus settling back into place after your bladder deflates. Isn't that charming? It feels especially good at 4 AM. I am also dying of heat. Late pregnancy in the summer time is something I never wanted to experience. And it's supposed to be 95 tomorrow. Awesome.

•   

Sup Ladies?

What I Miss: Everything I have ever enjoyed doing? Exercise. Good soft cheese. Abdominal strength. The OBGYN receptionists not knowing my name.

Cravings: Lemonade. Sparkling anything. Potatoes (all forms). Salty margaritas. Cheesecake. Dairy.

AAAND... today in bed rest:

• Went to therapy. I dreaded it as always, but was happy I went after the fact (as always)
• More phone interviews and dialing into meetings - happy I've stayed relatively effective in my isolation
• Watched Work Out on Netflix. It's an old reality show about personal trainers. I might as well watch really fit people be fit without me.
• Read this and felt sad about the state of the world.

Quick Update

34 Weeks and still pregnant. We did it!