As long as I live you will be loved

"As long as I live you will live. As long as I live you will be loved."

My husband has this tattooed on his left forearm. It's a tough thing because often people ask him what it says, and what it means. It's a bit heavy to say that they are a memorial to a child that we lost, and yet we feel that it's important to talk about her. We lost our Claire one year ago Saturday, on what has proven to be the saddest day of our (very blessed) lives.

It's hard to put into words the mixture of emotions I feel looking at my son, whom I adore and love more than anything on this earth, but who makes me wonder what she would have been like. I wonder if she would have looked like him. I wonder if she would have the same hilarious expressions as our sweet boy. And I wonder if we would have been able to ever meet Harrison, if we had met Claire first. Part of me feels guilty for loving him so much that I sometimes forget about all the pain of our first pregnancy. Does loving him make my grief for her any lesser? I can never believe that it happened for a reason, or that it was part of the master plan. I think it's a really shitty thing that happened, which broke our hearts, plunged me back into depression, and brings me to tears when I think about it even today.

We didn't get to meet our girl and learn about her personality. We didn't get to perfect our swaddling skills with her, or learn how to rock her to sleep. I didn't get to obsessively check her breathing or jump at her every whimper. Instead, in one horrible night, we met her as we lost her, and in those short hours, she changed me forever.

Ultimately losing Claire made me a more compassionate person. I experienced a new kind of heartbreak, one that many women endure in silence and without support. In one night, I came to understand the complex guilt and fear that accompanies losing a child in your care. I joined a community of many, many women who have lost children, some of my best friends included.

Claire put life in perspective for me. So I have 20 extra pounds and a few extra chins. My house is a mess and my husband leaves socks everywhere. Am I alive? Is my son safe and happy? Is my husband happy? If so, who cares? I'll be able to run again one day. Who cares if my life isn't instagram  perfect.

Losing Claire brought Harrison and I closer together. At our lowest, we clung to each other. We are the only ones that know the pain of losing our beautiful girl. In her loss, I realized how lucky I am to have him by my side, holding me up when I can't stand myself. He is truly the strongest man I've ever met.

Losing Claire means that I'll never take Harry for granted. The fierce, protective, and overwhelming love I feel for him is paired with paralyzing fear that I won't be able to protect him from harm. My body couldn't protect Claire, and my body couldn't carry Harrison to full term, so how can I be trusted with this precious child? Despite all of my anxiety, I try to savor everyday with him, memorizing his sweet features and the feel of his little form pressed against my stomach as I feed him. I know that I'm lucky to spend every day with him.

One day we will tell Little Harry about his older sister, and how special he is to us, thanks to her. She gave us so much in 16 short weeks. She made sure that we would make the most of our time as a family. So in that way, as we live out the lessons she taught us, she lives along with us. As long as we live, she will live. And as long as we live, she will be loved. So much.

He's Arrived: Updates Forthcoming

See that title on the last blog post? Apparently I should be careful what I ask for. Harrison Ryan II was born on Friday, August 8 at 10:00 AM at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital in Palo Alto. We made it to 36 weeks, one day, and he weighed in at 6.6 pounds and measured 20 inches long. Not bad for a preemie. I'll type up my birth experience later, as well as the incredibly trying week after, but I'm working on almost zero sleep here, and my spotty recollection will have to wait.

However, I will keep updating here on the life and times of Baby Harry, 2nd of his name. In the mean time, enjoy a few cute baby pics.

Hot and Fresh out the Kitchen

I'm pooping on your lap.

I know I'm adorable.

Week 36: I was told there would be a baby

I got dressed!

Time for my Week 36 update. I didn't think we'd get here, to be honest. But I'm beginning to think that this is going to be a September baby after all. Leo or Virgo, Leo or Virgo - we'll know soon! I know Harrison is rooting for a Leo (anything before August 23) both for his mental health and to preserve the sanctity of his own birthday, which is just 5 days after our due date. As wife to the world's most talented gift giver, I could use a little separation of birthdays myself, so I'll also root for a Leo

I'm sick of these stupid pinterest pregnancy questionnaire  topics, so I'm making up my own this week.

36 Weeks Pregnant, 28 days Until Due Date

Baby Size Comparison: Large cantaloupe says pregnancy app. Small baby sized, I say. Or. roughly the length of George Michael, but the weight of a svelte Yorkie.

Spirit Animal of the Week: Slow Loris.

Pregnancy Moment of the Week (of which I'll later be ashamed): I went to Kara's Cupcakes after my doctor's appointment and bought six cupcakes. I ate half of two different flavors, felt guilty, and brought the rest in to work today. I left them anonymously in the break room. If I may say, they were a little disappointing - too sugary. If they had been more delicious, I would be writing to say that I ate 6 cupcakes in one day. I made up for the disappointment with some ice cream.

New thing I can't do: I officially can't pick up dropped items from the floor. I dropped my badge on the way to the elevator yesterday and almost fell over in the middle of the office lobby trying to retrieve it. I finally got low enough by squashing my progeny's head while heaving my massive body to the floor, tripod style, to get it.

Body Troll of the Week (pregnant or labor?): My body is, ahem, clearing itself out. This is new, considering the almost 9 months of constipation that preceded it. Doctor says it could be a result of contractions, or it could be baby moving and unblocking my rectum. Seriously. How lovely is that?

Thing I should remember to be thankful for once I'm not pregnant: Absence of back of knee fat, and the eventual re-separation of my thighs.

Chalupa Debt of the Week: Now that we've officially announced it, I can complain publicly. The BoxWorks after party band is Jimmy Eat World, band behind of one of my all time favorite running songs. Box Works was scheduled right on top of my due date. It is our biggest event of the year, and on top of the fact that I should be doing a victory lap there about my new program this year,  barring a miracle, I'll be missing a free concert and party. I hope you're cute, baby.

Husband Quote of the Week: "You look like an egg in a tuxedo." - Harrison regarding my black maternity shorts and stained white t shirt.

Doctor Quote of the Week: "And there are his balls." I love my doctor.

Doctor's Update Week 36

We had our weekly check in today, and things are still slowly progressing. I'm now dilated to 4 cm and about 75% effaced (thinned out).  My belly is measuring ahead now, a whopping 37 cm (though this could have had to do with the appointment being right after lunch). Baby is at -2 station, meaning that he has descended into my pelvis, but isn't quite engaged yet. That effacement stat surprised me a bit, since I assumed I was pretty much totally effaced, given the cervical measurement scare. But, I guess the Ultrasound measurement is looking at the opening, and not the edges of the cervix. Since I'd like to share my night terrors with you, take a look at this awesome dilation chart! You'l never think of a Ritz Cracker the same way. You're welcome!

I asked Dr. Parman if at some point my body would kick into labor if I kept dilating. She said that it's not always the case that women go into active or noticeable labor until the very end, or the pushing phase. However, if I were to go in for our weekly check and be dilated to a 6 or 7, we would probably talk about how to proceed to avoid a surprise home delivery, since chances are that when I go, I will go very quickly. That might necessitate an induction of some sort, but I would want to keep our methods on the natural side. So, we'll see what happens. More waiting!

I was a little bummed because I thought that I was going to be able to stop using the progesterone tomorrow, but it turns out that if we go by the book, I should be using it for one more week. So unfortunately I don't get to be synthetic hormone free just yet.

We also had a quick ultrasound today to triple check that baby is head down. With my waters bulging, Dr. Parman didn't want to push too hard to make sure it was head she was feeling, and risk breaking the bag. So, we got another glimpse of our not so tiny guy. He was practicing breathing again, and if I may say, his head looks HUGE. Terrifying. As she was measuring my water, we got a bonus shot of, wait for it, a giant pair of testicles. Clear as day. More terrifying. Apparently they are quite large when born, because of swelling from the water. As someone who never imagined having a son, this was a little alarming. But, just as I've gotten accustomed to pelvic exams, I'm sure I'll get used to this as well.

So, that's about it. Still pregnant after all this drama. One week until "term." We're ready!

Working Girl

I decided that I'm going to keep the blog going, since it seems to be a good way to keep everyone in the loop on what's happening with baby Hernandez. I also like writing, and even though I feel a little narcissistic talking about myself so much, my therapist says it's good to write, and she is a smart lady who deals with crazy pregnant and postpartum women for a living, so I trust her.

We'll ignore the "too busy to sit
down and cry" part! Love this!

The added benefit is that I have heard from family and friends near and far whom I didn't even realize were reading the blog, and it's pretty great to feel like I'm sharing baby news with the very broad extended family Harrison and I share. I received a really sweet card from Harrison's Grandma and a hilarious email or two from women in the family regarding their birth/pregnancy experiences, and I love feeling like part of a village. Thanks guys! I retroactively apologize for my often inappropriate commentary. Its probably not going to stop.

Now that I'm back at work, I obviously haven't been posting as much, but I suspect that will change when I go on maternity leave, and I also suspect that the dog pictures will turn into baby pictures. Speaking of which, a friend sent me this yesterday, and I had been resisting swaddling my dog for "practice," but I think I've just changed my mind. I'll update with photos if/when this happens, of course.

Work has been good, and busy. The timing of this child actually couldn't be worse, as we are finally gaining a lot of traction for my program, including hiring my first team member. Just when we're starting to move quickly, I'm going to disappear for 14-16 weeks. It's a little frustrating, and I could go on for days about how the "Lean In" philosophy is fundamentally flawed, but I'll save that full rant for another time. I can't lean in Sheryl, not when I have at least one doctor's appointment per week, and my priority is and should be my health and the health of my child. Whatever.

A million years ago, when Harrison and I first met as young whippersnappers at Deloitte and I hadn't yet lost all of my ambition and enthusiasm, I told him that I had always wanted a SAHH (stay at home husband), and he was STOKED. But then I figured out that I dislike office politics and desk jobbing. Harrison hasn't forgotten, though. And little did I know, I married a "Kind Papa." If you're missing that reference, just know that Alicia Silverstone (Cher Horowitz herself), mother to "Bear", wrote a book about parenting. She is anti vaccination, pre-chews and bird-feeds her son's food, and believes in "Elimination Communication." This means that she doesn't diaper her child. She watches for signs of needing to eliminate, and holds him over a toilet. Seriously.  Here's a nice summary. I'm sure her nannies don't whip a diaper on that butt the minute she's out of sight.

So last night, I'm sitting in the living room and I get an email from Kind Papa, who is sitting 20 feet away in the other room. He linked me to http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/. I opened the site on my tablet and screamed "this is horrifying" at him. He walked in confused - "what are you talking about?" I started talking about "EC" and how ridiculous it is, with some colorful language about baby pee and poop everywhere. I thought he had sent it to me as a joke. Turns out - no - he thinks we should try it. Maybe on your paternity leave, buddy. Then I said, "Oh, are you going to pre-chew Chalupa's food for him too?" and without missing a beat, his response was "Of course I am. Just for fun." So... turns out we've got a committed father on our hands. Don't worry though, he still has a brain and isn't anti-vax. Maybe I did find my ultimate SAHH. He just needs to work on those cleaning skills now. And we would have to live in an even moderately affordable area.

One of us will miss the bump. And check out the right
side lump - that's where he hangs out.

On the baby front, not much news to report. We have our weekly appointment tomorrow and should know if anything has progressed since last week. Now that we're just about 36 weeks along, I'm totally okay with labor happening now. I thought last night might be the night after some major intestinal distress, so I puppy-padded the bed and slept on a towel just in case. But no baby. Still pregnant.

Back to work for me. I have to clean off my desk and pack away all my personal items (dog photos) as a preemptive measure in case he comes early. We are short on space and they'll use my desk for hotelers while I'm gone. Lame.

Secret Pregnancy Catch Up

Up until it become pretty obvious, my pregnancy was like fight club - first rule was, we didn't talk about it. My family and friends that I had seen in person knew, but I wasn't talking about it with many people. And I certainly wasn't sharing pictures. So here's a little photo catch up of this pregnancy, which has felt like it's lasted for about a year.

1. Finding out in December (Christmas Eve!) and our first unplanned ultrasound due to bleeding (we started our medical relationship with a bang)! Yes, I kept testing every week to make sure my results were getting stronger, since the doctors don't see you until 8+ weeks:

2.  Belly - I thought I was big starting around 16 weeks. Ha. Ha. Ha.

3. Ultrasounds Galore, including special greetings sent to family members:

4. Miscellaneous:  Some NST action, the "I should have just ordered one from the restaurant" shot, and getting ready with baby sleeping quarters - not the way he expected to spend his world cup.

5. Our baby once bore a strong resemblance to Strong Bad. Or a Luchador. Or the Donny Darko bunny.

35 Weeks

35 Weeks Pregnant and 35 Days until Due Date

Still pregnant. Yep, just chugging along. Maybe we can make it two more weeks to term? At this point, it wouldn't surprise me. But we'll see how many more hospital visits we have before then.

I returned to work today and it was tiring. My back is not very happy about being upright all day, nor are my sausage feet. On the upside, I work in start-up land, and we have an ice cream freezer at work and unlimited snacks, so today, for the first time since working there, I ate a Twix ice cream bar. It was delicious. My savior of a boss also said that working half days when I needed would be totally fine, for which I'm very thankful. I left the office at about 3, after all my meetings, and am now safely back on my couch. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, right? Well I think I had just adjusted to the sloth life over the weekend. I guess I'll have another go at it once maternity leave begins.

Baby to Produce Comparison: Large Cantaloupe? But really, small baby sized.

Whoa.

Sleep: It's hard to fall asleep but I love it when I can get it. I'm still having insane dreams and making at least three bathroom trips every night.

Best Moment this Week: I'm boycotting this question because my best moment is always food-based and it's making me question my emotional eating habits.

Movement: Ouch. It's starting to hurt. My stomach is really tender to the touch, and according to the internet this has to do with internal bruising from the giant baby fighting for space in my abdomen. I can tell that he doesn't have as much room to make big movements any more, but I feel a lot of taps and rolls, on both ends.

Symptoms: Well, I seem to be getting bigger by the day. I also keep running into doorways, chairs, and other humans with my belly.Lots of cramping, lots of practice-lactation, lots of emotions. Maybe we are getting close.

What I Miss: Running. All the things I've already mentioned.

Cravings: Bagels and Cream Cheese. Ice Cream. Breakfast burritos.